"How do i feel today"? i repeated. "Well, that's a loaded question". I answered.
I feel ill. I feel like there's no tomorrow. I feel like i cant do this thing anymore. But then i feel like i have no choice, so i wipe my tears and set my grief back aside. There's no chance i will "lose" my grief. It's been my companion since February 9th, 1985. I made my peace with it, but it still hurts every single day. And i'm certain it always will. This week's execution of a man i have never heard of brought it all back.
I think back to my own sister's murder. That night, how did
i feel? Sick, in agony, horrified, afraid, terrified, like the
world came to a screeching halt. And nothing, nothing has
ever been the same since. That was Feb 9th, 1985. You
don't "get over" it. It never goes away. Time marches on,
but that hurt and those wounds never go. There is NO
closure. There is no Healing. There's no BETTER. Do i
hate my only siblings murderer? No, i sure do not. I
might have at first for a time or maybe i was just really
angry at him. I am not sure. He's also dead. For u see, he
shot and killed my sister then turned the gun on himself.
All in front of their 4 year old daughter. It took me 30 years
to stop raging and hating for this act that took mere mins
that cold snowy February night, so long ago.
Peace came only with God's help and forgiveness. I
forgave my brother in law. I get no joy or closure knowing
he is also dead. Their child wishes one of her parents had
survived. One. She would have been grateful if she had
her dad to visit in prison. She would have gone every single
visitation day. How do i know? Well, she told me this, more
than once growing up and as an adult. The crime affected
her more than anyone else. It still affects her daily. It does
us all, but it was her parents and she was there and saw it.
Then i smile and tell my friend i am one lucky woman
because I had the best big sister ever was for 18 years of my
life. Those precious memories are all i have left now and a
few photographs. And I hold on, knowing God will reunite
us in heaven one day. And while i so long for that day. I
beg God for longer on beautiful planet Earth so that I can be
with my wonderful and loving family. Most of all my child.
Although an adult she will always be my baby, my reason to
live, the reason i chose to live, instead of dying inside. Yes
I'm a very lucky and blessed woman. And now it's time to
write some letters to some inmates and try to cheer them up
and make sure they know God loves them and wants to turn
their lives around.
Smile, God is good. He surrounds us with beauty. Don't let
the bad things in life, the mundane daily grind, or the
ugly of people and their destruction and hate filled ways
make you forget how lucky you are and how much God
loves you. He doesnt cause the bad things that happen.
He wants only joy and peace and love for you. It's yours
for the taking too.
And should you stumble like I do frequently, he's right there
to help you back up. Because he knows our imperfection
and our backsliding ways. And still he loves us. And still
he's there. And still he cares.
Now, I will ask you, "How do you feel today?"